Apologizing may seem to be a weak response, but in fact it’s a powerful communication tool.

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar?

n  A colleague sends you a snarky email, so you type a cutting response right back.

n  A Facebook  "friend"  insults your political beliefs in a post, so you write a scathing comment about her obvious cluelessness.

n  A team member arrives late and unprepared fora meeting, so you berate him in front of the group for being inconsiderate.

n  Aunt Betty belittles your career choices over Thanksgiving dinner, so you carve her up like the turkey, angrily countering her criticisms and throwing in a few insults for good measure.

   At first glance, none of this seems unreasonable. After all, nobody likes to back down, give in, knuckle under, or swallow an insult. And showing weakness isn't likely to get you anything but disrespect and marginalization. Right?

   Wrong. Being what some would call a "wimp" is often an effective response. And in the right circumstances, it can even be a way to get ahead.

   Weakness can be a very effective communication tool. In many scenarios, allowing the other party to maintain what appears to be "the upper hand" can help you successfully navigate volatile situations, protect important relationships, and get you what you want personally and professionally.

   So why do we feel it's OK-even smart-to maintain a forceful presence? To some extent, this belief may be a vestige of our caveman past, but it's also a consequence of the digital communication revolution. We've gotten in the habit of impulsive, expedient, and self-expressive communication. We can chat,tweet, text, and email to our heart's content. And because it's all so quick and easy, we've come to believe that it's our right, as citizens of the digital age,to say what we want, when we want.

   One consequence of this mistaken belief is that we often fight back too quickly and too forcefully whenever we are annoyed. But impulsive and unfiltered communication whether it happens face-to-face or digitally-often costs us dearly. Because we aren't willing to be seen as wimps, conflicts escalate and relationships deteriorate. We would do much better to hold our tongues, control our emotions, and focus on long-term goals instead of on the short-term gratification that comes with a pointed retort.

   Here are eight ways that showing weakness can help you avoid unnecessary conflict, protect relationships, and get ahead:

1、BRING A STICK TO A KNIFE FIGHT 

Defuse volatile situations by lowering the sound level. When someone comes at you, don't rise to that person's level of irritation. Throw cold water on it. Suppose someone says, "This is the worst report I've ever read!" You can neutralize the immediate situation by saying, "I'm sorry you didn't like it. I didn't mean to upset you." A "weak" response often will stabilize a harsh conversation, leave you in control, and prevent damage to the underlying relationship. We assume that we have to match strength with strength, but in so doing we let the other person set the tone of the conversation (aggressive and probably damaging to the relationship).

2、 BACK DOWN FROM CHALLENGES 

In our achievement-oriented society, backing down from a verbal challenge can be the equivalent of not accepting a triple dog dare on the playground. But that's exactly what smart communicators do. They know that our quick and convenient digital devices encourage us to have far too many unnecessary conversations, engage in way too much unnecessary chatter, and get our hands (and thumbs) on too many irrelevant issues. Smart communicators are willing to let some problems go unsolved so that they can focus on those that are truly important.

Don't automatically handle all the issues that come before you. This is the most frequent miscalculation of our "everything now" digital age. Make delay your default. Many issues don't need your active intervention, and others may disappear completely or resolve themselves without your participation. The fact is that most of us are guilty of inserting ourselves into far too many unnecessary conversations, but delaying and ignoring issues can often help us end up in a stronger position.

3、 LET DIFFICULT PEOPLE WIN      

Jane talks too much. Jim is incredibly stubborn. Uncle Billy loves to argue. The behaviors that make people difficult-whether they're controlling, critical, or cranky tend to spark frequent confrontations-even though we're unlikely to influence these people. For example, we wrestle with Jane to get a word in edgewise. We struggle to change Jim's mind. We fire a barrage of points and counterpoints into Uncle Billy's arguments. It's time to quit trying.

At the end of a conversation, the difficult person remains the same, but often you are in a weaker position. Only a commitment to let go of your desire to "win" by imposing your will on the other person can realistically and consistently improve your communication with difficult people. When you find yourself with no choice but to interact with a difficult person, have modest expectations, avoid tangents, and stay focused on your end goal. It's really all you can do.

4、SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE AND SAY YOU'RE SORRY  

Apologizing to another person isn't easy, even when you know you're in the wrong. It's even tougher when you think the other person is being unreasonable. And, of course, it doesn't help that certain people view an apology as a sign of weakness. Apologize anyway.

In many situations, a well-placed "I'm sorry" can stop conversational damage and prevent lasting harm. Usually, salvaging a relationship and staying on track to accomplish your goals is worth a momentary blow to your pride.

5、IGNORE INSULTS 

When somebody offends you, your inner Neanderthal rushes to the front of your brain, urging you to club your foe over the head and show the other person that you won't allow yourself to be treated that way. But guess what? Your inner Neanderthal isn't known for restraint, civility, or strategic thinking. Sure, it mightfeel good to act on your emotions and indulge your impulses, but responding aggressively to insults can also result in a lot of long-term damage.

A hotheaded retort to your boss's criticism could cost you a good performance review, a project, or even a promotion. Allowing a coworker to draw you into a harsh fight can do serious damage to your working relationship. Feelings do matter, and you shouldn't let anyone insult you consistently. But people say things they quickly regret all the time. Don't let your inner Neanderthal lunge for the club; give the other person a chance to self-correct instead.

6、STOP CONSTANTLY DEFENDING YOUR BELIEFS

Standing up for your convictions has been the American way since the Founding Fathers wrote the Declaration of Independence in 1776. And yes, you should speak up when you feel that your own or someone else's wellbeing is being threatened. But even though others might label you a wimp for keeping your mouth shut, you don't have to rise to every challenge. Even though your brother-in-law's political rants on Facebook make your blood boil, you don't have to comment on why you disagree with each and every post.

Too much impulsive disclosure and reflexive communication can upset the people who are most important to your work and personal life. Am I suggesting that we should abandon the Internet, stop posting anything on social media, and never talk about the things we believe in? Of course not. All I'm recommending is some good old-fashioned caution.

Ask yourself which is more important to you: throwing your two cents in or maintaining a decent relationship? Play your cards closer to the vest. Failure to exercise caution around sensitive topics can lead to a relational explosion.

7、 MUZZLE YOUR INNER KNOW-IT-ALL       

It's human nature to want to be right. However, the urge to prove another person wrong often gets people into hot water and torpedoes conversations. Unnecessarily correcting another person can spark arguments, damage the way he perceives you, and harm the underlying relationship. Remember, nobody likes a know-it-all, and nobody likes being contradicted.

Unless something crucial hangs in the balance, if you hear someone misquote a statistic, mangle a story, or make a logical error, don't whip out your smart phone and start searching the Internet to prove her wrong. And when someone lays a goofy conspiracy theory or profoundly loopy world-view on you, don't consider it as your moral obligation to set him straight. Playing dumb means letting go of the need to be right about everything.

8、PUT ON YOUR BEST POKER FACE  

When an I-can't-believe-she-just-said-that moment happens, your first instinct is probably to react physically. You might roll your eyes, sigh, raise your eyebrows, or even throw your hands in the air. Remember, actions speak just like words. If you're serious about defusing a situation instead of escalating it, you will need to pretend that you're competing in the World Series of Poker.

Some of you may worry that the kind of responses recommended above will make you appear weak. But consider the circumstances and your goals. What matters is that you get what you need out of a conversation, and that you manage relationships in a way that makes life as productive and meaningful as possible. Responses that look like short-term conversational weakness will often put you in a position of long-term strategic and relational strength.MW

Geoffrey Tumlin is the author of Stop Talking, Start Communicating: Counterintuitive Secrets to Success in Business and in Life (McGraw-Hill, 20/3). He is the CEO of Mouthpeace Consulting LLC and the board chair of Critical Skills Nonprofit,a 501(c)(3) public charity dedicated to providing communication and leadership skills training to chronically underserved populations. You can learn more about Tumlin at www.tumlin.com and can reach him at geoff@tumlin.com

                                                                  —— MWORLD SPRING 2014